When You Turn Your Head

last week i had a really bad week. really bad.

today i finally am starting to feel better. blessed even. life is crazy like that.

i think i am auditioning for the nutcracker tomorrow. if i make it i will be performing at the stranahan theatre in december. how cool?!? not sure if i am advanced enough though.

also auditioning with the toledo ballet. kinda pumped slash nervous.

wish me luck!

so im living with dave in toledo and i started my grad job. honestly it's been really boring so far. i think going from having too much to do in the summer to having something to do only a few hours a day is driving me nuts. but then again i guess i complain either way. ha.

dave's at work and i go in in like 3 hours. my job is pretty boring. my boss is somewhat of a control freak so everytime she asks me to do something she will start to show me how she wants it done and then she ends up doing it herself. its frustrating and it makes for a lot of time wasted. you know what i mean, how some people make a 15 minute task last over an hour? yeah...one of those people.

i dont really have much to update about. im pretty bored and a little depressed. hope everyone's weeks are going better than mine. i hope things get better here. im sure they will though.

well, another pageant has come and gone. i did not place again this year but I did win a total of $2000 in scholarship. I won the following awards: most advertising sold, highest overall swimsuit score, and highest overall evening gown score. the swimsuit award was a big shock and a definite confidence booster since this is the first time i've competed while healthy and the first time i won that award.

started the grad job and am busy with that this week. other than that just missing dancing and wanting to get back to the studio as soon as possible.

hope everyone is fantastic!

life is crazy. it's like there is all this stuff i never knew existed that was really right under my nose the whole time. stupid nose.

i am moving to toledo with dave in a few weeks. im starting to get my stuff together for that. it will be good. plus our children will all be together again...ha

pageant prepping has gone well this year too. it's a whole different experience now that i don't feel like a hypocrite everytime i show up to a meeting or talk about my platform. it's a great feeling.

visited the treatment center the other day. lots of people still there from when i was there so it was great to see everyone. the best part is to see the ones who are doing sooo well and are so happy. a few of them are going to get places in the area and move in together just for added support and i think it's amazing. plus that means i will get to see them lots this year! my best friend from there just got readmitted, which is sad but a good thing. she never really followed the rules before and now she's going to and she seems ready to be done with all that. sometimes that's what it takes. just to be so sick of dealing with it that it is either do as u are told so u can get the hell on with life or just give up. i don't recommend the latter.

alrighty well i have to get on some of this paper work for the pageant. it's due tomorrow. i havae lots of loose ends to tie up still. hope everyone is doing great. love you guys!

ATTENTION: I am selling formal/cocktail dresses sized 3-11. Here are a few examples. I have many more. If anyone is interested contact me and we can discuss price/size/etc. All of them are in great shape and MOST have only been worn once.



pictured:
1)black and silver dress-much sparkler and prettier than picture. sexy open back. slightly worn. junior size M.
2)teal beaded dress. this dress is super sparkly and gorgeous. looks like new. retailed for $300. back is very intricate and pretty too. Will fit Junior size M/L
3)baby blue dress. beaded. very elegant. size 11/12 looks like new
4)navy bluish/purple and black dress. fits size 5-7. sparkly beads on flower mesh overlay. looks like new.
5)red sparkly dress. tie up back. i loved this dress. looks brand new still. because of tie style will fit sizes 3-7

ask about my others.

Also if you know anyone who is in high school that may be interested please pass along the pics. Thanks guys!

a huge thank you to miss ann drea for her generosity and donation to the pageant! love ya girl! thanks so much!

word check it out

http://www.monroenews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070521/NEIGHBORS/105210034

so it's that time of year again. yes, the time where i start preparing for the miss monroe county pageant. i'm so excited this year, though, because it will be so different. i am actually healthy and in a state of mind where if i did win i could actually honestly promote healthy body image and self esteem. i'm so excited for my life and for the chance to be in this pageant for the first time as the real me!

my family is not supporting me in this. i have been told i'm no longer part of the family and they are sticking by that. it's okay though. i know it's their twisted way of caring about me in all the wrong ways. i know who i am and i know i want to help others and that is why i am still going to run in the pageant.

that being said, i would love everyone's support this year. if you would like to come to the pageant it is august 11 and tickets are $25 each. kinda expensive, i know, but all the money goes to the contestants for the scholarships we are competing for. this pageant has helped me financially so much through school, and a lot of others too. it really is a great program and if u would like to see the show let me know. if u are unable to see the show but would like to contribute still, donations can be made within the next month or so. if you are interested in supporting me in this way, please let me know so i can share the details with you. donations can be any amount...every little bit helps. if u know of anyone that might be interested in helping support this cause, please give me their information. it's all about networking. parents, friends, relatives, anyone that might want to give even a dollar would be helpful.

i appreciate everyone who has stuck by me through all of this. it's good to know some people don't give up on you. i'm doing amazing. almost 8 months symptom free and i really have no urges at all anymore. it really can happen! if anyone wants to talk to me about this in more detail, please email me at lserpett@yahoo.com or IM me MagicLaura12

love you all and thanks again!

so i have returned from my Eating Disorder Coalition Lobby trip in DC and I have sooo much to share...

first of all, i had a blast. it was so empowering to be able to have an influence on mental health parity as well as the "dream" bill (actually titled the FREED Act) I lobbied with 6 other individuals. 2 others from Michigan and 4 from New York. Together we visited the offices of our state congressman and senators. I was in the office of Debbie Stabenow, Tim Walberg, Hilary Clinton, Carl Levin, Vito Fossellaa, and Randy Kuhl. I actually met Carl Levin and Randy Kuhl and was almost lucky enough to meet Hilary Clinton. I also met Patrick Kennedy and spoke with him for a few minutes and shook hands. He is the forerunner on our dream bill so we honored him at a reception later in the day.

anyway we made a lot of progress. im supposed to meet with walberg later this month in his michigan office on my own to talk further about the dream bill. vito's office seemed to at least consider co-signing on the mental health parity bill as well as kuhl's office. hilary's office said they definitely would even sign the dream bill which is huge for us.

needless to say it was the experience of a lifetime. i'm definitely attending next year.

good news

got in to grad school

and

got a scholarship to attend the EDC (eating disorder coalition) Lobby Day in Washington DC to fight for Mental Health Parity

dave and i are back together. things are going great. the rents randomly decided to go to florida and left in the van last night so i have the house to myself for a week or so. it's nice. just working and dancing. let's see what else. im going to alaska this summer for a mission trip so im super pumped about that. the grad school never looked at my application. it was misplaced so now i have to deal with all of that. i dyed my hair again. it's brown. i like it a lot. hmmm what else. i think im going to run for miss monroe again this summer. this time i think i'll focus on self esteem rather than eating disorders. same area less "me focused". but speaking of that stuff...it's been almost--in 2 weeks it will be-- 7 months symptom free so im frickin so proud of myself. im really happy. it's still hard but i have made so much progress. i just know i can really let myself be happy now. okay everyone, peace and love. i miss u all. mwahhhhhh

i am really down for some reason. me no likey.

hello all. it's been forever. i still read ur entries like everyday if i can. i'm doing really well. 6 months symptom free now. went through a lot of shit with relationships but i think i finally feel confident in my decisions and that things will work out how they should. i'm happier than ever with dave lately. we arent officially back together but i plan on it. im going to surprise him with it though. need to figure out a cutesy way to do that. ha. im such a dork. hmmm still didnt hear about grad school so i called yesterday and they told me they thought my application was incomplete so the lady checked it only to find out it has been complete since january and that she just missed it. good thing i called but she said i should have called sooner. how was i supposed to know damnit. oh well. hopefully it works out. still working at newport tan. ha. again...oh well. other than that just dancing and volunteering when possible. alright everyone. take care. i love you and miss u. mwahhhhhhhhh

dancing huggies all around

i feel lost and lonely at the present moment. and i cant even begin to describe why. why is it that everyone always moves on? friends never stay? everything always has to change? i know change is for the best, but aren't we supposed to have a few people who stick with us forever? i don't feel that. i definitely don't. everyone is moving on. everyone but me.

just wanted to remind u that i love u.

hey guys. it's been awhile. things are pretty good on my end. got a little job down the road at newport tan. nothing big but it's definitely better than the no job i had before it. i'm also volunteering at the studio a few times a week and dancing to keep my spirits up. seriously, dance is like the best therapy ever. i cant even begin to describe how much it is helping me stay on track with everything. i just love it. and i think i am getting a lot better. pointe has come fairly easy to me and it feels so good to do it. somedays just stretching relaxes me. seriously, dance is a lifesaver.

in other news, i still havent taken my GREs. i will be taking them this month. i haven't really studied much cuz i feel like i get no where when i do. i really hope i can pull this off, cuz if i can't i don't know what i will do. i'm kinda counting on going to grad school in the fall to get my master's started and to move out of the house. i need this. bad.

been hanging out with natalie and dave on the regular, and kickin it with the texas gang when possible. i've also spent a little time with kess and california. still trying to work on how it feels to try to balance things, especially time with others. that has always been my biggest struggle. i want to spend lots of time with lots of people and it's just not possible. before i would avoid the decision making process by not spending time with anyone, but now i am really trying to learn how to deal with the discomfort. it definitely hasn't been easy, and i haven't spent the time i want to with many people, but i'm trying so i think that's worth something.

that's really about all. food stuff is going well. i actually had 4 pieces of pizza the other night with dave. before, that would have never happened. and to add to the insanity, i never once even considered purging it. that my friends, is unreal. i stayed within my caloric range and i was okay with it. it was even a little fun...lol. some of you understand what a huge deal that really is. i'm pretty proud of myself to be honest. i'm happy for me too. it's definitely time to move on with life. and the kicker, i'm not 500lbs yet! hehe.

well, i hope everyone is doing great. i do read everyone's posts i just havent commented too much lately but i will try to be better with that. i'm heading to work now. P-eace!!!

well things are going alright. trying to fight the urges to try to lose weight, but so far been able to resist the temptation. i'm finishing up my applications for grad school and studying for my GREs. I am still looking for a job. Nothing yet. Kinda freaking out about my financial situation. dont know how i'll be able to afford moving out or grad school. i need a new car too. my car isnt going to last very much longer. but i dont have the money for all of these things. and it's hard too cuz after what i've been through i want to just embrace life and it's greatness but i won't be able to do that if i have to work all the time. i guess i'm just trying to find some sort of balance. i pretty much suck at that. hmmm what else. i'm officially obsessed with dancing. i've used it as a coping mechanism since i can't use my old methods anymore. it's amazing and i love it. i only wish i could get a lot better a lot faster. but it's helping me be okay with things for the most part. sorry this post is sorta random and everywhere. my mind is sorta like that right now. i miss people. i saw nick russell today and it seriously made me so happy. funny how things work out. he's such a nice guy. he always has been. makes me happy to see him doing so well for himself. hopefully one day i can say the same.

okay enough randomness from me. love u all. peace.

im home now and im going to apply for this job at the hospital. im scared though. i need it so badly but im sure i wont get it.

merry christmas everyone. i'll fill ya'll in more later.

i miss u all. i still read all of your entries. i will be back more often soon. i should be done with treatment by the end of january i hope. im getting to go home for dec 22-jan 2 for the holidays. im doing well. body image=horrible but i have been symptom free since coming here in september.

neil...sorry about missing u. i had the flu and was not doing anything but sleeping and i just lost time. sigh. im mad at myself now but i was really sick. where are u now?


love
lulu

my chest hurts so badly i cannot breathe. i have to see the doctor here today. im nervous. i just want to go home. i miss everyone so much, but i know things have to change. i cannot have relationships based on eating disorders anymore. it's not healthy and i know that. it's just hard cuz it's what i've had for so long. my body image blows but i have to get over it. im not going to be small. i'm just not supposed to be that way. grr